Another transition

I think this is the end of something huge.

And like other things in my life, it's happening slowly but inexorably.

To be blunt about it, I'm coming to the conclusion that I can no longer be a gainer. I'm big, as big as I'll probably ever get. Today I'm just shy of 280. But getting bigger is just too much for me to handle comfortably. So it's like this: I've put on weight a few times this year. Went from 260-ish to 284. The two times I did it, I noticed that my affect, my feelings about things all became blunted and dull. I could be, eh, happy, but not intensely. Energy was always lacking. And when I began to do intermittent fasting—especially this current time—I quickly got energy and excitement back again. Dennis noticed I came back from the doldrums rather quickly too.

Interestingly, this time, I'm not losing much weight. Well, after a sudden drop to around 280 from 284. Thinking maybe taking brewer's yeast may have a bit to do with it; it seemed that boosted my appetite and my weight a bit over the past few months.

But, see, here's the thing. My libido has been low when not doing IF. Then it comes back when I return to it. Who knew that eating three squares could be unhealthy for me? Well, I'm just following what my body tells me. It seems to be happy to subsist on less food. And if I'm associating less libido and less euphoria while being bigger, I'm going to be less inclined to want to do it. The sex appeal side of it has gone away. Size may equal power (somewhat), but it no longer equals sex appeal. So I don't think I'm going to actively seek it anymore.

It's kind of sad. This has been a huge part of my existence for years. Even decades, if you go back to pre-2011. It was lying in my subconscious, waiting for me to think about how great it would be to be big.

There will be more written about this going forward, but I wanted to mark this development officially, I guess. Oh well.