Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy

Someone wrote that. Someone else sang it too.

And it reflects my mood.

I'm not apathetic about the world around me. I'm disgusted with it. And with it, I'm not wanting to participate. It's a repugnant state. I think it has a lot to do with me not actively seeking out work.

I've been in these doldrums before...ironically, after a similarly profound epiphany about life. The last one took place my first year of college, when I took the idea that there is no point to education and wedded it to the fact that my entire life had been devoted to education, and concluded, nihilistically, that there was no point to my life. Let me tell you what a fucking tailspin that sent me into. For months, I was at a total loss on what to do, how to live, or even whether to live. Add a class in resistance to Hitler and a tutorial on the writings of Nietzsche, and you have yourself one super sick puppy. Oh, and I was in the process of dealing with my first sexual encounter with a man—and subsequently my first real crush, after living in a thoroughly homophobic environment for years. No support from anyone around...because I couldn't let go enough to ask for help, because that would mean admitting what I couldn't admit to myself or anyone else.

To be fair, I'm a lot older and more mature this time around. (Or I'm just a lot more inured to drama and don't feel it or react to it so much anymore.) And thank God I have a lot of financial support—elsewise I'd be super fucked up. I'm old enough to know that my response is not a fucked up response—as Hard Harry said, feeling screwed up in a screwed up place in a screwed up time does not necessarily make you screwed up. And oh boy does America in 2026 qualify as screwed up.

I'm afraid this is going to be a short post...just acknowledging the situation. More to come later.