Power and what it has to do with me

Piggybacking on the last post here...

So...The Dharma Bums has been checked out, and already I'm enjoying it. A fair bit livelier and more inclusive than Big Sur, which I tried unsuccessfully to finish five chapters of last year.

The place to go from my last post is this: I did sabotage these attempts at positions of power. But why? I think it comes down to this: I have an aversion to power. Think about how I deal with money, which is one method of measuring power. I...don't. Not well, at least, though sometimes I have put effort into learning (see: Suze Orman, the finance course through UIUC a few years back, picking up a few books on finance from time to time).

What a perverse situation to be in! To be averse to power? Yes. But I think it springs from seeing, so clearly nowadays, what danger power puts you in. With power comes exposure. With exposure comes scrutiny. With scrutiny comes faultfinding. And any sin, regardless of size, becomes blown up far beyond its original area, thanks to exposure.

As weird as this seems, I think this knowledge could be very valuable. I'm just not sure what to make of it, or what to do with it. Whatever I do, it could make moving forward clearer.

Side note: I took a gummy with 10 mg THC around noon, and I've been feeling rather fuzzy all afternoon, with some occasional sensations of dissociation, particularly when I get in to the flow of work. Yet I've also felt more...on. Like I can still get some things done, even slightly intellectual things. But not too intellectual...the brain feels fuzzy as well as the body does. First 10 mg gummy I've had since...oh, it's been years and years. It's an interesting feeling. I've yet to decide if I like the feeling or not.