Mental illness, meet mental illness

Or maybe I'm overdramatizing this. Anyhow...

I need to get over this. I've turned into Eeyore over the past week because of a fucktard who very skillfully got into my brain.

The Background

I post pics of myself online sometimes. Pics I like. Pics that show my size, my belly, my chest, that sort of thing. And guys dig it. Never had a negative comment about it. Occasionally get DM compliments about them, but they don't really go anywhere. Until last week.

One guy said he liked my pics and that they really turned him on. I must have responded in the positive, a thank you or some such, and he then expressed a desire for...more? To get together or something? That turns me off, and I'm (duh) in a great relationship, so I didn't respond. A week later, he must have taken it personally, because his response was a bit standoffish, and dug a little knife in me. I then responded about being in a relationship and being happy, but thank you.

Well. You'd have guessed I was teasing this guy mercilessly. He took huge offense at my actions. Said if I were with him, he'd never allow me to show my belly online. (Huge red flag #1. To be fair, red flag #2, after his standoffish response.) He then accused me of trying to cheat on my man (which...what?), and then summarily wished me the best in 2025 and warned me against posting so much online because I'm cheating on my man (read: fuck off, you fucking tease). I simply responded, "We're fine. Thank you." Another wish for the best in 2025.

A few days later, reeling from this interaction, I checked his feed, and on one post, he wished everyone a great 2025, and trumpeted his victory over denying someone who would use this platform to cheat on his man. (What the everloving fuck?) At that point, I unfollowed him and deleted our messages.

The Outcome

Since then, I've been trying to figure out why this had hit me so hard. I have been quieter, moodier, and more of a dark cloud over the proceedings here in otherwise-sunny Palm Springs. In my mind, this is a guy who is mentally quite unstable. I wonder how he views porn stars or burlesque dancers who also derive joy (and some income, let's be sure) from engaging in a bit of exhibitionism. Many of them are in solid, mutually loving relationships. (I know of one in particular personally that is exemplary in this regard.) I feel like he latched onto me very prematurely and very powerfully, then when he realized I was not interested in him, had to push himself away, and the best way to do that was to label me a cheater so he could feel better than me. He had already been convinced I was interested in him, because he had shown more than usual disappointment in me not responding to his text asking for more engagement.

Maybe it's because I chose to cut things off and not engage with him, despite my brain coming up with a whole slew of things to say. ("Wow. I think you have some major issues to work through." "You don't know a thing about my relationship with my man. We are very solid, thank you.") So I built the wall, like I always do, then proceeded to scream at it internally, and in the process, run my psyche through a lot of pain. But what's the alternative? Engage in conversation with this other guy and become embroiled in an imbroglio of anger and frustration? That would be useless. Me telling the likes of this guy that he needs help would go absolutely nowhere, and I'm definitely not the person to do it. I hope he gets help, but it ain't gonna be from me.

Maybe this has a bit to do with my gawdawful past with a Certain Other Individual who shall not be named. I went through a psychological hurricane with COI that nearly tore my previous relationship apart—crazy highs, excruciating lows, stuff that was just tremendously painful. And this other individual was also very mentally unstable—actually had a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. It took knowledge of this diagnosis, coupled with the revelation that I was actually neurochemically addicted to interactions with him, that made me realize I had to get away from him as soon as possible. Unfortunately, that took place well over a year after we had originally met, after we had had a long history. The extraction itself was surgically clean and quick, but the pain lasted for a long, long time afterward. The yelling at the wall took place for weeks.

I think it was because I recognized this feeling that I took immediate action to cut this recent guy off. And I had hoped for my feelings to go away more quickly. But wow, what a sign that I'm vulnerable to such shit.

What now?

God. Therapy would be nice. Not sure how to pursue it, but yeah.

I've since not posted any pics of myself online, or at least not on BS. Part of me wants to full-out block this guy (if he hasn't done so himself). There is no need for frustration like this—especially if it gets in the way of good times with Dennis.

Haha! Done. Blocked. Won't have to worry about that one again.

What's tough about this is that I can't talk about this with Dennis. How did this start? I was posting pics online. Probably not what he'd like to hear about. But my defense would be believable: I don't have any intention to meet up with anyone, and in fact, the best way to ensure I wouldn't meet up with anyone would be to ask to meet up. I clam up. I shut down. It's gotten worse since I left my ex; because he was such a social guy, I naturally stayed involved with his gatherings. But now, my social life has dwindled, and that's a result of settling into comfort and being with Dennis, who also tends to cocoon and keep close friends close and everyone else away. Still...getting back to the point, this is one of those things I just need to keep to myself.

Well, enough for now. It will be good for me to just step away and let this continue to subside.