The difference between an excuse and a reason

"Others have excuses / I have my reasons why."

                    -- Nickel Creek

So...this is one of those big questions that comes to mind every once in a while. Like "what does it mean to forgive?" or "why do we hold our tongue to the roof of our mouth when we are stressed?"

Let's be clinical about it, shall we?

From the Learner's Dictionary: 

• excuse: a reason that you give to explain a mistake, bad behavior, etc.
• reason: a statement or fact that explains why something is the way it is, why someone does, thinks, or says something, or why someone behaves a certain way

Well, that's not terribly helpful. At least on the surface. Excuse, obviously, has a negative connotation to it. Reason is more neutral, or perhaps slightly positive.

Here's a funny way to look at this. "You have blue eyes. Why?" "Because of my genetics. Both my parents had blue eyes." Imagine considering that an excuse. "See, I think you're just making an excuse for why you don't have brown eyes. You could, if you tried harder." Absurd!

Hmm. Let's look at this article from Lifehacker. Gonna read it aloud to see what happens.

Hmm. Interesting.

I have a reason (haha) to look at the differences between the two. And it is ultimately engrained in my strained relationship with my father. He, I believe, tends to look at things more as excuses, to assume people are weak and trying to justify their actions without wanting to improve. I often play fervent discussions in my head with him. One includes saying something like "See, what you fail to understand is the difference between an excuse and a reason." To which he could definitely say, "Okay. What is the difference, if you're so smart?" Hence my reactionary desire to learn.

Here's a quote from this article that may help: "By “excuse” I mean a bad excuse, a rationalization put forward to avoid blame or effort. And by “reason” I mean an explanation that adequately addresses the other party’s objections."

The issue I have with this definition of "reason," even if it is true, is the dependence on the other's viewpoint. Maybe it's the word "objections." Who knows?

Now here's an interesting post addressing this difference. It brings up my grievance against the dictionary, too, viz., that the dictionary virtually gives no difference! It's a bit harsher about it, but yeah. There you go.

Like, I think about him making a statement like "I've found that gay men are very self-centered." For him, that's behavior that, were it explained to him, he might consider it an excuse. I might look at it and see if there actually is a valid reason for it. In my mind, I can justify it. We have been brought up in a society that is strongly centered on traditionally heterosexual norms (families, children, marriage, etc.) and a culture that reflects those norms (virtually all the media...songs, ads, TV shows, books, newspapers). Growing up, the idea of gay men or lesbians was repugnant. I don't need to go into much detail about that, but once we queers find ourselves and our community separate from the dominant culture, we want to celebrate it and enjoy it. And if that ends up in some self-centered behavior, I consider that a valid reason.

Anyhow. This is an ongoing discussion with myself, I guess.